If She Wants To Play Rough In The Bedroom, This Is What You Need To Do

Dinner at the restaurant was romantic, and together, you finished off a bottle of red wine. The full moon is bright. She’s happy. It’s all happening. Together, you walk back to her place, touching fingertips, clasping and unclasping hands, flirting in whispers, and as you approach your building, the flirting gets heavy and a little dirty.

And then she tells you she’d like something a little different tonight. You’re amused, and you like that she’s asking -- and then, she says that tonight, she wants it rough. You hear the words, which don’t quite match up with her demure profile and perfectly applied makeup... and wonder how you’re going to manage this.

1. What Is Rough Sex?

Rough sex is not vanilla. It’s about becoming mutually aroused by discomfort and integrating hair pulling, pushing around, manhandling and even spanking with sex. Gone are the tender caresses, and in their place are commands. The tone of rough sex is different than the sweet, sultry allure of a typical night. Rough sex gets physical and it can get vigorous. It can be intense because the line is there to be crossed. There’s an element of role-playing, but a good actor gives of himself so it’s not all about the role -- it’s also about what you bring to it.

If this sounds interesting, then this is probably something for you. And, at the right time, with the right partner, it can a lot of fun and can bring you closer. It’s also a great way to work out some feelings and let your partner know this other, more exciting, slightly dangerous side of your personality that you can’t show in real life because it’s perceived as threatening and therefore inappropriate. But in the bedroom, between consenting partners, this is where you have a little fun with rough sex.

Of course, you should always use common sense. There are times when rough sex doesn’t work and shouldn’t. If you have a partner who has a history of abuse or violence, this isn’t a good idea. In spite of your good intentions, the rough sex can trigger flashbacks and bad memories. Or, when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s adamantly against rough sex or has a negative reaction to anything that’s rough and tumble, you’re better off avoiding it. And if you know that you, yourself, have problems with impulse control and have trouble stopping once you’ve gotten started, this probably isn’t for you.

That being said, rough sex can be very enjoyable for all involved.

2. Why Women Like Rough Sex

There is a widespread perception that women are delicate flowers and the fairer sex, so the idea that they would tolerate or inflict -- let alone want to initiate or even ask for -- rough sex seems far gone. But it’s not.

Truth be told, women are into sex a lot more than men realize. And they don’t just want polite sex or demure sex or hotel sex. Today’s woman is psychologically, socially and emotionally complicated and layered, and her sexual appetite is just as intriguing as she is. Simple women with simple lives are a lot more rare than they used to be, so men would be wise to take this as a heads-up. Chances are you’re with a woman who has at least a fleeting interest, if not a full-blown desire to partake in a little rough sex.

Men are often surprised by this, and wind up caught off guard when it’s the women who are the ones who tell them that they want it rough. It’s not always apparent when meeting these women, especially when they’re baking cookies, playing with kittens and wearing floral print dresses, that they’ve got a dark side when it comes to sex. They just don’t look the part! If they were slaying Wall Street while wearing leather and downing shots between stock trades, men might not be so surprised when these types of women want it rough.

But the women who don’t seem like they would want it, but do, are the shockers. And when it becomes apparent that they do, it’s a definite game-changer. Sometimes, guys are so taken off guard by their women wanting it rough that they don’t realize that it was difficult for women who don’t live looking as if they want it rough, to express themselves and come out and ask for it. They know you don’t see it coming and they’re afraid to scare you away, or get rejected, so they sometimes bite their tongues and hope you’ll bring it up.

A woman wrote to me on my AskApril.com relationship advice forum and said about she and her boyfriend: “.... We like kinky sex, but he's never been one to take charge or to be rough or anything like that. I was even disappointed he wasn't more aggressive with me….” Some of these women just don’t mention it to their men at all, simply because they’re concerned about the man’s reaction, so instead of a sexy reality, rough sex remains a tacit but vibrant fantasy for them.

3. Why Men Like Rough Sex

Men love rough sex because it gives them a chance to express their dominant selves in a sexual way. They basically have permission to be aggressive and intense -- feelings that they normally rein in. And they get pleasure out of watching their partners become aroused from the rough, sexual exchange.

Rough sex is a treat for men who normally feel that it just isn’t right, and it isn’t polite. In other words, it’s not the way you treat a lady. They get stuck on the “Madonna and the whore” conflict, where a woman can’t be both good and bad. She has to be one or the other -- and the man has to choose which she is so that he can know whether to treat her as one or the other, as good or bad. Following this simple construct brings psychological and social comfort.

So, when she suggests rough sex, or he suggests it and she agrees to have it, that construct and the comfort the construct brings, is overturned. All bets are off. And when this happens, men who were hesitant at first, and who then do get into the flow of the rough sex, and really hit a good groove, tend to discover facets of themselves they weren’t familiar with before (maybe even new fetishes) and in this sexual adventure, they have even an even more profound experience because this wild, intense and dominant side of their personality was, up until the rough sex, suppressed and even latent -- sometimes for years on end.

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